Lying to myself -🎭/😄

A prompt made me share an experience which is in fresh in my mind .

Today I received a newsletter from Christy ’s Substack.

The newsletter had about 15 prompts to write. This newsletter was different. It was throwing prompts to spin your imagination and weave a small blog.

Prompts are interesting to write as you don’t plan to write on that topic. You see the word and instantly begin writing your thoughts.

The blog may be short or long. It doesn’t matter.

From the 15 questions I selected one of the question to write my honest thoughts about the same.

Write about the moment you realised you were lying to yourself and kept going anyway.

Interesting question!!!

Well, there is not a single moment but there are several moments when I have realised that I am lying to myself. And I keep going as if I am a brave heart. But , in real I am not. That is the reality. It is like wearing a pseudo face and carrying on as if all is normal. When actually, it is not.

Such moments we get to experience in relationships friendships. Wherever there are interactions this is bound to happen.

I have seen people who speak their mind frankly whenever they face such situations. I have tried to be like them but have failed miserably.

I have faced such moments since my college days. When in college . I was young , so I didn’t bother much.

But, to suppress your feelings, emotions and anger as you grow old is kind a tough. The tragic part is this realisation keeps occurring very often. As we have to interact with a large circle of people which begins from immediate family members to friends and relatives on a regular basis.

Whenever I experienced such moments in my close circle it was tough to accept. There is no other option left, other than wearing a pseudo face and behave as if all is well with you. The other reason is that, the option of both clarifying and arguing to make your stand clear seem ruled out.

So, There is one such experience which I would like to share here in this blog.

We were staying in a society. There was this couple who were very popular. They were popular because they were social and were in good books with all the families in the society. They had this habit of inviting whoever had shifted newly to the society for dinner. They would extend a friendly hand and make the first move to win over the hearts. We had also shifted to the society as newbies. We too got introduced to them. We were also happy to meet a friendly couple who were always ready to help.

It so happened, one evening during our conversation, that lady told me that they were planning to invite us for dinner the coming weekend. Weekend came and went off . There was no sign of any invitation. Next week we both met as usual, but she didn’t tell the reason why there wasn’t any invitation for dinner. Instead she was telling how they were busy the whole weekend entertaining guests for dinner. I listened and kept quiet. Once again this happened the next week.

We were meeting regularly but she never felt the need to say any reason for not inviting us for the dinner as per her plan. This was going on for few months. It became a regular affair for her to say that the following weekend she had plans of inviting us for the dinner and conveniently forget about it. It would never be an invitation for real. There used to moments when we used to meet where she will say sorry for not being able to keep up her invitation as per her plans. Such moments used it be very tough for me to handle. I used to have a plastic smile on my face like an air hostess as if I wasn’t affected.

The height of all this happened, when she told this in front of everyone. It was a party in a common friend’s house. We were all having dinner and chatting in a group. This lady too joined our chat. And in front of everyone , she started telling that she has been having lots of guests for dinner most of the weekends. All of them appreciated her for her hospitality. Even though I felt bad inside, I too put a broad smile like a brave heart and sang along with everyone in the group. Amidst this, in front of everyone, she told me in a loud voice, “ Sorry, I know I have been telling you that we will be inviting you for dinner. And we haven’t invited you till now. I suppose your invitation is still pending. We will soon invite you too”. I smiled and said “ it’s okay. I know you are busy. Also I know you will surely invite us soon”. This was the moment where I was truly lying to myself and kept going anyway as if things were normal. It was such a tough moment to handle. Very embarrassing to utter something that too with a normal smile as if nothing has affected me. After this incident too, we were meeting regularly as usual and used to have regular conversations. The invitation came very very delayed for me. Guess when?? As a farewell dinner when I was to relocate to a new place.

Today when Christy ’s substack posed this question, I decided to give a spin to my experience and pour it in this newsletter. Everyone faces such embarrassing instances in their life at some point . But there are brave hearts who confront them, then and there. That’s the best quality one should have . And I realised this late due to such experiences I have faced in my life .

CLOSING THOUGHTS:

For everyone who has been through such moments, you are not alone.

May we all find the courage to choose honesty with ourselves and others.

Thanks Christy for this prompt.

I feel very nice after writing my experience here.